By now the whole world is aware that Prince William got married to some commoner chick named Kate Middleton. Good for her. She’s one Viagra induced heart attack to Prince Charles from being crowned Queen of England. More power to her. But, c’mon Prince William, dog, Willie, fam, couldn’t you have done any better? I mean, she’s cute and all, but you’re the fucking Prince of Wales! The Artist Formally Known as Prince, as we speak, puttering around at the age of like, what, 50(?), is still pulling hotter chicks than this Kate Middleton. Throw your title around, for Christ sake! There’s a kingdom on the line, homie!

Take this advice, and take it seriously: Drop that $5 dinner and get with a winner! I’m even going to help you out. I’ve listed 5 English chicks who I’m 99.99% sure would marry you TODAY even though they already know you’re married. On second thought, scratch that last part. Dont marry them; make like Big Pun and crush a lot!

#1 Keeley Hazell: Yeah, yeah, she has a sex tape but if you can just ignore the first 8 minutes of her giving head in broad day light, the rest of the sex tape is so dark that you really can’t tell if its her or not. It’s all about perspective…

#2 Rosie Jones: She might be, in my humble opinion, the only girl worthy of bringing home to my momma. Rosie is the quintessential girl next door ( if you’re into that type).

#3 Michelle Marsh: The only blonde of the group, and with tits or as you English call them (say it in an English accent) “knockers” for days, she has to be in the top five!

#4 Cheryl Cole: OK, maybe I was wrong about Rosie Jones. Cheryl could also meet my momma, but Im keeping her away from my father! You might want to follow my advice here, Willie, and keep her way from Prince Charles. Oh, and exile Prince Harry while you’re at it.

#5 Kelly Brook: Yes, Kelly Fucking Brook! She stands as the complete opposite of Rosie Jones and Cheryl Cole. Kelly oooozes sex and hey, sex is the primary reason why you likely introduce yourself to the ladies as “I’m the Prince, Bitch!”.