Tiger-Tiger-Woods Ya’ll! Im Ending This Issue

Written by Turd Ferguson on December 2nd, 2009

Lets be real here, Tiger Woods likes to fuck! Im about to break down this whole Tiger issue for you.

1. Tigers wife did hit him with one of those fat head, perfectly balanced, aerodynamic, diamond encrusted, gold plated, titanium drivers right in the umgublaablumdada. Tiger was going in and out of conscious, which means to me that she cracked him because that car accident wasn’t bad enough for those air bags didn’t deploy.

2. Tiger should have known that his wife was crazy. Her decedents were fucking VIKINGS! Her people club baby seals for a living. What made Tiger think he was safe?

3. This should be point #1, but why did he get married in the first place? He’s Tiger-Tiger-Woods yall! He should have told her, “Look Becky, Ima crush that for a little while and if you wanna stick around cool. But I see myself tappin a cocktail waitress in the near future.” You don’t see Derek Jeter getting married. Not even George Clooney. Those guys are living it up banging all kinds of woman. Shit, half of Hollywood is carrying Jeters herps and no-one is complaining.

4. If you’re gonna leave voice mails, at least use an alias. C’mon bruh! Say your name is Malik Johnson from 125th street up in Harlem. Don’t say, “Hey, this is Tiger.” THERES ONLY ONE FUCKING GUY NAMED TIGER IN THE WORLD!!! Theres still 4 chicks out there who think my name is Jimmy and I dont have anything that Tiger has. And text messages on your primary phone? Dude, you’re worth a billion with a “B” and you have one celly?

5. Finally, you released a statement saying that you wanna be a better husband. You mean she didn’t hit you hard enough with that fat head, perfectly balanced, aerodynamic, diamond encrusted, gold plated, titanium driver so you decided to stay with her? My nig, head for dee hills. She’s only gonna make matters worse. You wont be able to look at the nannys ass. You wont be able to surf porn. You wont be able to by girl scout cookies without her asking if you wanted to fuck the scout leader.

Bottom line Tiger did this all wrong. He should have cheated with a Hollywood starlet. No one gave a shit when Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston. In fact, some peeps think that Aniston deserved what she got! Instead he banged out a night club something or other and a cocktail waitress. If you had real game you would have gotten the two chicks and taped it like my man did with those Miss Universe contestants. You’re Tiger Woods. Tell Elin to pack her shit and go catch a cab because you wanna bang the same chicks Turd Ferguson wants to bang!

Now watch this re-enactment of the whole fight.